


With a heavy heart

by MayLovelies



Category: The Silmarillion and other histories of Middle-Earth - J. R. R. Tolkien
Genre: Angst, Elrond and Elwing finally meet, Family Drama, Other, implied child neglect
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-17
Updated: 2017-05-17
Packaged: 2018-11-01 18:04:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,631
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10927149
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MayLovelies/pseuds/MayLovelies
Summary: Upon arriving in Valinor, Elrond puts his feelings of the past aside to do the one thing he knows he must do in order to move on, and that is visit his mother, Elwing for the first time since the Sacking of Sirion.orElrond visits Elwing in an attempt to mend the relationship they were never able to have.





	With a heavy heart

**Author's Note:**

> I've been meaning to post this for a while, but finals had me extremely busy. BUT HEY, i passed all my classes and I think I made the Dean's List again, if not then I still made Honor Roll lol. I hope you enjoy.

As Elrond headed toward the gate of the large tower, the familiar aching in his stomach began to return. Half tempted to run, he had to stop in his stride, telling himself that he _had_ to do this. He had to face her if indeed he wanted to put the ill feelings  to rest.

So he continued on, his heart heavy and his mind filled with uncertainty.

All about Elwing’s tower were flocks of wild birds flying to the top of the tower and far off the horizon. Elrond had heard the rumors that she cared for the sea birds,  coming out from her tower to feed them and invite him into her home.

He inwardly chuckled, pondering on the fact that she’d cared more forbirds than her own sons. However, he pushed that thought away, for even a slight ill emotion would ruin any chance he had at fixing any feud he and his mother had.

He pressed forward, walking down the stone path and to the large entrance of the tower.

Elrond knocked and listened for a rustle inside. Seconds later, the great door open and there stood a Teleri servant. She did not look directly at Elrond at first, it was only when he made a noise did she meet him in the eye and then suddenly, realized who he was.

“My Lord Elrond.” She spoke, bowing slightly. “We had heard that you arrived not to long ago and we here have been expecting your visit.” She met Elrond’s eyes again, a frown forming within her smile. “You are here to visit Lady Elwing, are you not.?”

“I am.”  Elrond responded breathing a sigh of relief, glad he did not have to explain his situation. He had not yet said it out loud that he was coming to forgive his mother, and if he admitted it to himself it was very likely he’d abort his quest altogether.

“I shall lead you to her. She awaits you.”

Those words sent chills down Elrond’s spine and suddenly he felt weak to his knees. But he responded with a hearty nod and a smile. “I’ve waited for this moment.” He replied, with an eagerness that hid his true emotions.

The servant led him to the interior of the large tower, where many other servants walked around and continued their tasks. He smiled at each of them until he and his escort reached the stone stair case which not to his surprise, housed many flights of stairs.

“Lady Elwing transforms into a bird to reach the top; it is rare that she takes the stairs in fact…she never has.”

“How convenient is must be for her.” Elrond took hold of the rail. “To be able to fly away from difficult tasks or situations. How convent it would be if we could all turn into birds and fly away from uncomfortable things.” His response, though sarcastic came off as angry and sharp. He noticed he’d unhinged his escort and made way to apologize. She understood though, even if she did not outwardly state it, there was a calm acknowledgement in her blue eyes. She knew this was not easy for him, and for that Elrond was grateful.

In silence they climbed up the path and with every step, Elrond had to convince himself not to turn and run. His chest grew tighter, and his heart heavier with every moment that passed until there was nothing but a burning anger within his vessels.

There were so many things he wished to say, so many things he wished to do. Oh he only imagined how different things would be if this was Elros walking in his shoes. His brother would not be able to keep his mouth nor true intentions shut. Such a thought brought comfort to Elrond, calming his heavy heart. How he wished his brother was here with him, to give him the strength he needed to proceed on. Yet, it seemed he’d be doing this by himself, not just for him but for Elros. Because while Elros would not agree with forgiving Elwing or even visiting her, they’d still together realize it needed to be done.

Not because they wanted to, for if it was up to them Elwing would have been erased from their lives.

In all truth, Elrond was not here because he himself wanted to forgive Elwing or even speak to her. He was here because he knew it was the right thing, because years ago the only people whom he’d regarded as parents had told him to release his hatred.

“We have arrived to Lady Elwing’s quarters.” The servant spoke, knocking on the large wooden door and taking a few steps back so Elrond could move forward.

“Come,” The voice on the other side had spoke. “my son, Elrond.”

Elrond paused for a while, completely confused an unaware of who spoke to him. The voice was alien to him, nothing he had heard of nor remembered, and for such a strange voice to be calling him her son did not sit well with him. But as quickly as he’d been confused his mind had registered and Elrond took a deep breath and extended his hand toward the door handle. Before he entered, he cast the servant a look of gratitude and after that pushed through, walking over the threshold.

The first thing that caught his attention when he entered the room was the interior itself. It was large and beautiful, with light blue drapes and banners hanging from the walls and ceiling and white furniture. A large window, open and wide sat at the end of the room, allowing a perfect view of the sky and the sea. But nothing caught Elrond’s attention more than the birds sitting on the window seal, and the woman sitting in a chair next to it, feeding them.

When she noticed Elrond, she stood from her chair and turned toward him.

Elrond remained quiet feeling slightly uncomfortable with her eyes upon him. All he did at that moment was gazed back, silently talking in her appearance and figure. It had been years since he’d rested his eyes on this woman, and he had not had a clear image of her in his mind since then. Yet now, he remembered how fair she was, how she was always cloaked in light blue garment to compliment her pale, ghost like skin. Her hair was wild, tasseled by the wind and her eyes wide and welcoming.

She smiled and extended her hand. “Elrond my son…I have missed you so. Come here, come to your mother.”

As if a force controlled his body, Elrond found himself walking toward Elwing and taking her smaller hand in his own. He shuddered for a while, as she pressed down and squeezed his, for it had been years since he had felt his mother’s touch. If this situation was different, her touch would have been comforting, but Elrond now felt the opposite. Her touch unsettled him, as if her very hand violated his body.

So he drew away, slowly however and offered a smile. “It is nice to finally meet after so many years, mother.” _Mother…she is not my mother…_ He told himself, angry that he dared to use such an honorable word to address her but it had already been said and calling her otherwise would only veer the conversation elsewhere. So Elwing smiled once again and motioned for her son to sit next to her by the window, where a chair sat opposite hers.

“Your journey to Aman was good, I trust?”

“Yes…it was.” Elrond responded. “The ride here was calming and I anticipated my arrival.”

“As did I.” Elwing responded so calmly. “After we were split, I retreated here and waited patiently until you would arrive.” 

 _You did not intend to seek me nor my brother out?_ Elrond wanted to ask, but knew that was risky. So he nodded and spoke.

“We have much to talk about, mother.”

“That is so…yet my son, I can tell that something plagues you. The air around you has shifted, and I’ve sensed your distress since you walked into the room. It is more than eagerness that worries you. What is on your mind?”

 _So clueless and oblivious to what she did to me. To us._ Elrond thought, no longer wishing to hide behind this façade. So he sat up straight in his chair, and took a breath.

“I came here to seek an apology from you mother, and to forgive you. From there, I hope we can mend our relationship, and reconnect as mother and son.” He stared her in the eyes. “I was distressed since the day you left me, and I nearly turned away when I arrived to your tower. The air around me is negative because I did not come here to be ignorant to our pasts, but to get my apology and find it in my heavy heart to forgive you.  From there, I hope we can mend our relationship, and reconnect as mother and son.

Almost immediately Elwing shook her head, and looked at her son with a confused expression. “I should apologize? What must I apologize for? Must I apologize for those monsters ravaging my home not once, but twice?” Her tone angered Elrond, and no longer could he stay calm.

“You should apologize for leaving my brother and I to die; for neglecting us as if we were nothing. You should apologize for abandoning the very people who trusted you for a jewel!” Elrond tried to lower his voice, but he could not. So he clutched the chair to retain some balance within his mind and emotions.  

“It was fate, that you two were abandoned Elrond.” Elwing spat. “You survived and here you are, it is my choice that saved you! You were at the time not mine to care for, my responsibility was bringing this jewel to my love, your father. And I did that; fate is what decided that—”

“I was your son!” And by now, Elrond stood to his feet, his fist clenched by his side. “I _was_ your responsibility! You left us to die! Do you not care?”

“I was young Elrond, and scared! How could you expect me to take care of you when I needed to care for myself? I had a duty, to deliver the Silmaril, and I did that! I owe you nothing, I owe you no apology! It was my choice that saved our family! You should be thankful!” Elwing’s wall of assurance began to break, her voice began to crack as years of blame suddenly fell on her. Elrond could tell that no one had ever held her accountable for her actions, so the very thought of being blamed for this angered her.

“You owe me everything! And what of the people then? Those you left to die, those who trusted you? Were they simply a tool of fate? You were their ruler, you were to protect them! They trusted you!”

“By the grace of the Valar they were sacrificed for the greater good! If I stayed to protect them, my life would have been wasted away!”

“And what made your life more important than theirs? Why are you worth more than those innocent people your incompetence and selfishness caused the death of?” Elrond was yelling now, moving closer and closer to Elwing than he wished too. He had to stop himself, put a distance before them and gather his thoughts before he did anything foolish.

“I am of the line of Lúthien, Thingol and Melian; my life  was worth more than theirs since my birth. It was fate that they sacrificed their lives for _me._ I was too live, that is and will always be the will of the Valar.” Elwing now held the end of the chair’s arms, glaring at Elrond with a fire in her eyes.

“Why not return the jewel? Why not save all the people then? Why not return the jewel and save Elros and I?” Elrond’s voice was shaking with both anger and sadness. He had not yet focused on the severity of her previous answers, but the weight was starting to hit him little by little. He knew that if he did not end this soon, he’d regret coming here (well he already did).

“The jewel was a testament of the strength of my family and I would not be made to submit by some monsters who pillaged their way to get what they want. The jewel is mine and whomever I choose to give it to, and it is now my love’s. You, your brother and the people were necessary sacrifices for me to escape to keep what belonged to me, and that enabled me to achieve what was needed for greater good.” It was Elwing’s turn to stand. “My decision was brave, and I am strong to have made it. I am a hero and I shall be regarded as one; if it was your intention to seek an apology from me and forgive me then your journey has been fruitless. I will _not_ be made to apologize for doing what I was intended to do. I am sorry but your efforts are in vain—”

“I only came to apologize to you not out of the will of my own heart, but that of my fathers’. Yes—those monster were better fathers and parent than you ever were. _He_ , Maglor, taught me the power of forgiveness…Maedhros taught me the power of letting go of hatred. But today I have failed them for I neither forgive your, nor do I hate you any less. Say what you will, but you are no hero, you are no mother.”

“How dare you!” Elwing nearly screamed as she quickly marched over to her son. “I sacrificed everything for you—”

“You sacrificed _nothing_ for me! You wasted the lives of your people for your own selfish intent—” And Elwing’s hand came flying toward Elrond’s cheek, but years of war and strategies had aided him. He not only blocked her throw, but grabbed her fist. There was a squabble and a skirmish and Elrond ended it by throwing Elwing a distance from him. She tripped and hit the chair next to the window. As she remained disoriented on the ground, Elrond hovered over her, glaring down at her like the scum she was.

“If it were not for the teachings of those elves you call “monsters” I would have done far worse. Elros would not have been able to contain himself; he loathed you so much he made it a sport in Numenor to hunt sea birds…but I am not him, yet I do not forgive you, I never will. When I look upon you I see not a mother, but a woman who is too proud to realize that she has done wrong. A weak woman who deserves none of the praise she gets. You know not how much I hate you, for if I saw you burning in the street I would not even spit on you.”

Elwing struggled to stand and wept as she did, but Elrond was not there when she finally made it to her feet.

He was already half way down the flight of stairs, mentally cursing himself for the way this turned out. He only imagined how disappointed his fathers would be in him right now, yet they’d have to understand his pain and sorrow. And now a wound of anger tore in his heart that he knew not how to mend.

Yet that did not matter, for he’d live with this pain like he’d lived with pain for his whole life.  This was nothing new.

**Author's Note:**

> So this is basically how I view things going between Elrond and Elwing. Both were affected by the sacking of sirion in negative ways and I think both are too blinded to realize each other’s pain.  
> I have a lot more I want to say but I'll leave it here. If you like it please let me know!


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